I'll Die
by hatebelow
Summary: Formerly title "It". Hermione makes a decision without consulting Harry. See how it plays out. Post-Hogwarts era.


This is a a rewrite of the story "It" I had on here. I am still working on OSN. Never fear.

**__****It**

**If I stay right here,****__****I'll die inside.****__****  
****Ran out of tears,****__****I can barely get by.****__****  
****It's fair to say,****__****T****hat we tried.****__****  
****You know I wanna stay,****__****  
****If I do, I'll die.****__**

**__****-Floetry, "I'll die"**

******5 p.m.**

"How could you?", Harry said in a steely voice that was wholly unfamiliar to Hermione. "We went out on a limb for this relationship. All I ever did was invest in it and love you. How could you do this to me?"

"Harry, just calm down. Please listen to me." Hermione tried to calm Harry while simultaneously hiding the tears in her voice. Although, Harry wasn't yelling, years of past interactions informed her that this was the equivalent.

This was Harry yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Harry, love, let's talk about this rationally. I still love you and this doesn't change anything. We can still be together."

"That's what you don't get Hermione," he said exasperated. "You're going across the pond. That's a world away."

"But Harry..."

He raised his hand effectively cutting her off.

"Harry, please."

"Hermione, just shut up!" Harry's elevated voice frightened Hermione.

Though it wasn't unusual for Harry to have outbursts, they were never directed at her. She steeled her trembling lip for another attempt. She went to him, grabbing his hand in both of hers.

She wanted to pull him against her but before she had a chance, he shoved her away. He looked disgusted by her.

He didn't want her touching him. He didn't trust this Hermione. This Hermione wasn't the Hermione he knew. Although she looked and spoke like her, she couldn't be her. His Hermione was rational, practical and analytical to a fault.

His Hermione would never rationalize the decision to go to university in America without at least consulting him before hand. His Hermione loved him and wouldn't intentionally hurt him.

This couldn't be his Hermione.

She reached for him once more attempting to pull him close and like before, he pulled away.

Embarrassed, Harry spun on his heels to hide the tears as he fled to their shared room. What appeared to Hermione to be anger was searing, deep seeded hurt.

He could hear her footsteps following him in hot pursuit as he laid in bed on his side, facing away from her.

"Harry, please don't do this," she pleaded softly from a place behind his right ear. He felt it as she sat gingerly on the other edge of the bed.

"Hermione, just leave me alone."

"Harry I won't let you do this. We need to talk."

"Tell me, where was all your fucking talking when you made this decision without me?" She flinched as if slapped. Harry never swore at her. "Where was your need for conversation then? Save it, Hermione."

"Harry, I was going to tell you..."

He cut her off. "When? When exactly were you going to tell me?" he asked in a calculated tone. "Was it going to be when you packed up your part of our home? Or perhaps at your going away party? Maybe you would have liked to tell me when you arrived in the States."

She chose to ignore his uncharacteristic sarcasm in favor of answering his actual question.

"I was going to tell you when I felt the time was right." Harry stared at her in disbelief.

She confirmed it; there is no way this person was rational, analytical Hermione Jane.

"You can't be serious. It's July, Hermione. July! You were going to give me what? A few weeks time at best to adjust to the idea of living without you. And what's worst is you still didn't have the balls to tell me. I found out from Draco of all people! You don't even like Draco!" he found himself panting in fury. She'd finally pushed him to the place of showing the extreme emotion, characteristic of his teenage years.

"I just needed someone to talk to about this, Harry."

"YOU SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO ME !" He yelled in disgust, unchecked tears streaming down his face. Hermione looked down at the crossed hands in her lap with guilt. She was positively coated in it. She couldn't even look him in the eyes, she was so ashamed of herself.

"I know, Harry. But we could talk about it now... If you'd like."

"No. Thank you. I wouldn't like. I don't ever want to talk about it. Do whatever you want." He replied and settled back into the bed facing the wall and shutting Hermione out completely.

"Fine Harry." She said and stormed out the room. She intentionally paced herself, careful not to run into the living room. But once she reached it, she threw herself onto the couch and sobbed loudly into the golden yellow throw pillow they'd picked together.

******Hours Later The Same Day**

Harry slowly opened his eyes. Shadows painted the wall across from his vision. For a few moments, he could not remember where he was and why he was there. Then it came to him.

He was in their room. He and Hermione had a fight.

Looking down, he realized he'd fallen asleep in his robes.

He'd come home early from his mission. The hunt for Voldemort sympathizer, Petr Mrazek, was much shorter than originally anticipated to which Harry was eternally grateful. Three days away from Hermione in Czech's mountainous Hranice while partnered with Draco Malfoy was enough to make any man practically feverish to get home.

When he opened the door to their flat, the very person he'd craved most was the first sight for his tired eyes. He couldn't recall ever being so happy to see her. Each time he came home, seeing her was his breath of fresh air.

That was, until her saw the scholarship papers and that fresh air had quickly become stale.

Harry was certain Draco had just concocted another schemes to annoy him. He should have know from the sincere look in his eyes when he'd accidentally revealed the information that he was telling the truth but Harry didn't want to believe it, believe his Hermione was capable of this.

"_Hermione's got Ginny prattling on an on about some stupid muggle contraption called a printer. Says she never has to write anything for herself ever again. She's never been as excited as when she saw Hermione print-ered the forty sheets of the scholarship pages in under a minute. Maybe muggles are finally onto something there..."Draco thought as he packed up the last of several text filled parchments in their share office. All of the cases' paperwork was finally completed._

"_Wait a minute, what about a scholarship?"_

"_You know, Granger's for that muggle American school or other. Whatever it's called."_

"_Muggle American School?" Harry replied._

"_Oh fuck, Potter. I thought Granger would have told you," Draco said realizing the error in his step._

"_Told me what?" he asked, his voice of professionalism taking over to hide the hurt he was beginning to feel._

"_Look, mate you need to talk to Hermione. This is between you two. Shit Potter. I didn't mean to cock it all up."_

"_You need to start talking now"_

"_well she came over and spoke to Gin about it and I was there so I gave her some advice but I never would have done it if I knew you didn't know"_

Draco wasn't joking. Hermione really was leaving him for some bloody school.

He didn't want to think about that just now though. All he wanted to do was bathe. Being in one's clothes for multiple days at a time and then falling asleep was never good.

He needed a hot shower to clear his thoughts and his body. He stood from the bed and began stripping the clothes from his skin as he made his way to the master bathroom.

He turned hot dial to the far left. He stepped under the scorching water, feeling a sense of relief now that he was closer to clean. He stood reveling beneath the amazing rain-like shower head Hermione forced him to purchase and install. When he renovated Grimmauld, Hermione insisted on fancy bathroom fixtures.

He could practically still hear voice in his head going on about "appreciating value", in case he decided to sell. He pushed thoughts of Hermione to the back of his mind and shut off the dial. Harry reached over the glass door for his towel, carefully drying off before leaving the shower to avoid wetting the bathroom floor.

Hermione hated when he wet the bathroom floor. It seemed to him all roads, and all thoughts, somehow led back to Hermione.

They needed to talk. With a sigh, he left the stifling warmth of the bathroom for their bedroom, quickly dressed in a clean pair of sweats so that he could find Hermione.

He padded barefoot into the living room and came to an abrupt stop in the doorway.

He was absolutely captivated by Hermione's beauty.

Moonlight bathed Hermione's figure. She lay fast asleep, on her belly, clutching a pillow. Although her face was mostly covered by her hair, he could see her puffy eyes. She looked so innocent.

He walked to the couch and sat gently beside her, careful not to rock the sofa and alarm her awake. He stroked her thick chestnut locks from her face, causing her to startle.

"Harry?", she whispered.

"Ssh. Yes, it's me. Go back to sleep, lovey." She shook her head and sat up despite his order. She stared at him with her huge brown eyes, willing him to speak before her. Instead, he reached for her face, running his thumb across her lower lip, then trailing her jaw line and earlobe.

She started to cry. His tenderness was too much.

"I'm so sorry," she said breaking her silence. She wouldn't even look Harry in the eyes. He could practically feel the shame radiating off her body. "I didn't mean to hurt you...I just... need this. I need it. Don't you understand. You are gone chasing the last of the dark wizards and all of our friends has gotten their lives started. And what about me? I've done nothing."

"What do you mean you've done nothing? You've single handedly helped to restructure the ministry..."

"But that isn't something for me. I don't want to do that for the rest of my life. I _need _to do something, **be** something. I'll die if I don't get out of here, Harry. I want to study arithmacy. And the school in Salem will help me." She said with a hiccup, barely audible around her tears.

"Stop it, baby. Look at me." She made no attempt to move, still looking at her hands. "Hermione, look at me." He said more firmly, cupping her chin in his hands. "Go."

"What?" she asked, genuinely shocked, finally looking into his eyes. He was a bit shocked by his own response as well but he knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was the right one.

"Go. Baby, I don't want to be the reason that you don't follow your ambitions. You deserve better than working for a ministry that you hate for a public that is undeserving. You have to do what's best for you."

"Harry..."

"Sssh," he said, "Let me finish. I want what's best for you. Even if it's America. This school, they would be crazy not to want you and I would be crazy not to let you go."

"Oh Harry." she sobbed and threw herself into his arms. He held her close as she clung to his neck.

"I know, Hermione" he said rubbing large circles on her exposed lower back. " I didn't mean it. I was just so caught off guard. We're always a team and you did this behind my back." She pulled back a bit to look at him.

"I know and I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry. I just didn't want you to say no. I just love you so much and I didn't want to hurt you but..."

"I know. I love you too but you did hurt me but I don't, by any means want to keep you from your happiness. So go."

"I'm sorry, honest. We'll still be together." she said pulling away to look at him. He sighed heavily, placing his hands on her hips to pull her away.

"I'm not so sure, Hermione." He completely disentangled her body and walked toward the large wall of windows. He looked out into the night chewing on his left thumb, while running his other hand through his hair, nervous habits.

"Wait, what do you mean? I said I was sorry. I really am." she said. He could hear the uncertainty in her voice as her quiet footsteps approached.

"It's not about that," he said, still running his hands through his messy locks. "You'll be far from home. I don't want to hold you back from anything. I want you to really be able to live. To get to just be _normal_ for once."

"What does any of that have to do with our relationship?" He shrugged. Now it was his turn to avoid looking at her. He crossed his arms and continued to bite his thumb, contemplating how to tell Hermione his feelings.

"Long distance relationships are hard. They take a lot of work and you're young. I just don't want to hold you back from any opportunities even if those opportunities are someone else."

"Someone else?" she asked softly. "But Harry, there is no one else. There's nobody but you."

"Now." He said not even turning his gaze from the moon to look at her, terrified of what he would see in her eyes. He wouldn't be able to hold it together.

"No, Harry. Now and forever."

"Hermione, you don't know that."

"And you do?"

"I'm just saying we don't know what the future holds."

"Yes we do. It holds you. And me. Together if you'll let me." She grabbed his arm, turning him to face her. "I love you now and forever. And that is all there is to it."

"Say it again." She looked at him questionably.

"I love you?"

"When?" She understood.

"I love you. Now and forever."

"Again."

"I love you now and forever."

He sighed in relief and pulled her to him. Wrapping her arms gently around his neck, she allowed him to squeeze her. He buried his face deep into the recesses of her chocolatey locks and inhaled deeply. This was it. This was all he needed.

"Say it again."

"I love you now and forever." she whispered more steadily. He squeezed tighter and lifted the tips of her feet from the floor. She tightened her agile leg muscles to wrap them around his hips.

"Again." This time she could hear the tears in his voice. She repeated if for him again. And again. And again. He was not saying anything, simply nodding into her hair. This was it for him. She was ___it _for him.


End file.
